Coping with Postpartum Anxiety and Depression

Postpartum anxiety and depression is a real doozy. Women who experience it don't feel like themselves at all and can have a hard time controlling their emotions. It truly is a crazy feeling to experience, especially when you're recovering from childbirth and trying to figure out motherhood at the same time. Read more to learn more about our experiences and how we chose to cope with it.

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Grace

When I first had Parker I was so worried about her getting sick that I was freaking out about it pretty much everyday even though we weren’t having anyone over really. I was so consumed with Instagram (you get bored breastfeeding 24/7) and there were videos I was seeing on my FYP that were so triggering for me. It was Fall, so sick season was just starting and the videos were about people’s babies having COVID or RSV and getting super sick. After a few weeks, I stopped looking at videos like that and I wish I hadn’t consumed that content in the first place.

Parker was about four months old when my anxiety started creeping in again. She had just started showing signs of her cow's milk protein allergy and at first, I didn’t know what was happening, so I got really worried. Cody took a last-minute emergency trip to California and was flying out of the PDX, so I decided to stay at my mom’s house nearby for the weekend to have some help with our dog and Parker. It was my first weekend without Dad there to help and it was also our first weekend away from home. I had crazy intrusive thoughts about terrible things happening and I couldn’t sleep leading up to the trip and I really didn’t sleep well while we were there. The best part of that trip though, was that Meesh and Mon came down from Seattle to meet Parker and hang with us for the night. Anyway, everything was totally fine and I was proud of myself for getting through that for the first time. After that trip though, my anxiety really didn’t go away. I started thinking about Parker sleeping in her own room and being away from me even though we weren’t planning on moving her for another month or so. I also had major anxiety about her having an allergic reaction or eventually choking when she was eating foods beyond purees once we started solids. I also was extremely overwhelmed working from home full time while watching Parker (Cody has a flexible schedule and is home from his office as soon as he can be, but some days I’m home alone with P all day). My body was hurting in some weird places and I convinced myself I had something seriously wrong with me. I had gone to the doctor, dentist, endodontist, PT, and dermatologist to have everything checked out and luckily I was completely fine, but my muscles and nerves were just a little screwed up. Knowing all this made me feel a lot better but I was still feeling anxious. I had labs done and found out that my Thyroid was all out of whack. I went to an Endocrinologist and through more testing realized I had Postpartum Thyroiditis. While I was anxious anyway, this was not helping my case whatsoever and making things much, much worse for me. I had some days where I was on the verge of a panic attack for no reason and I had crazy insomnia for almost a month. I was still breastfeeding at the time, so I really didn’t want to be on medication but I had to do something to help myself so that’s when I decided to start weaning and take a low dose of Lexapro to help with the anxiety. It’s been a few months now and I am feeling great on Lexapro. My thyroid is also following the normal Postpartum Thyroiditis course and slowly correcting itself without medication. 

Something my doctor mentioned to me was that anxiety meds are on a spectrum and something you need to “date around” to find the right one for you. If you’re struggling with anxiety and want to try a medication, don’t be discouraged if the first one you try isn’t the winner. I also go to therapy every other week and I basically just go there and complain about how hard it is for me to be a mom, an employee, a friend, a wife, and a functioning human for an hour and I feel so much better afterward. I have a great therapist that I really jive with and she has two small kids of her own so I feel like we can relate.  The paid version of the Calm meditation app has also been amazing for me and helps me fall asleep quickly or calm my breathing down if I need it.

If you are feeling anxious, lean on your people, try therapy if you want, try medication if you want, or talk to different kinds of doctors to find the right care plan for you. Now that my anxiety is under control I feel much more present as a mom, more grounded, and all around a happier person. 

Meesh

I didn’t realize I had postpartum anxiety until I was about 5 or 6 months postpartum. I have never really struggled with anxiety before and I wasn't experiencing panic attacks or feeling depressed so when I was filling out the forms at my check ups and at Thea’s, I didn't think anything was wrong. Since I found out I was pregnant I became a chronic worrier. I didn’t really express my thoughts to anyone, not even my husband really. What I mean by worrier, I mean,  anything I would do; cross the street, drive to the store, go to a restaurant; I would constantly be worried about dying. I just would push the thoughts aside and tell myself that I’m fine, I’m probably just feeling these things because I’m pregnant and going to be a mom soon. The closer I got to my due date the more worried I was getting that either Thea wouldn't make it or I wouldn't. I would even cry in the car or at night sometimes if I got too far down the rabbit hole. But again, I shrugged those thoughts off as wild pregnancy hormones. Even when my doctors would ask how I was feeling I wouldn't even think to tell them about being worried because I didn't think it was real, just irrational thoughts.  

Thankfully both Thea and I were okay and the weeks following the birth I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. I was exhausted, happy, sad (somewhat grieving my past life as my kidless friends were out doing fun things), but I was crying all the time. Happy tears, sad tears- all the tears. My husband was starting to get worried and was constantly checking in with me but my OB reassured us it’s likely baby blues, which is totally normal because (hiii hormones) but those constant worrying thoughts about me dying kept creeping back. I wasnt suicidal, I was entirely the opposite. I didn’t want to die and leave Thea, this beautiful little baby I just created and met and loved more than anything in the world. It makes me emotional just thinking about how I felt just a few short months ago.  

I think what made me realize I was actually struggling was reading through blogs just like this! I had heard about postpartum depression but not really about postpartum anxiety. After doing some googling, I quickly realized I’ve had PPA since I got pregnant! This was such a revelation for me. Mon and I were driving down to Portland to see Grace for the night and meet baby PJ and I opened up to her about my recent revelation. I knew she had been having her own struggles so I knew she could relate. I had told my husband, who also struggles with anxiety, and it was so nice to talk about it outloud but knowing Mon had been having a similar experience, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I quickly made an appointment with my OB and when she came in and asked me what was going on, the floodgates opened. I just let it all out and being the angel human she is, gave me a huge hug. One thing she said that really stuck with me was “what you’re feeling is completely normal, but it’s not normal so let’s fix it”. Many women experience PPA and PPD and my OB gave me the option of therapy with no drugs, therapy with drugs plus some breathing exercises. I chose therapy and drugs. I wanted to get fixed FAST. I was so exhausted from being worried. I also had bloodwork done because when your thyroid is out of whack, it can cause anxiety. Turns out I had a wonky thyroid! I haven’t done therapy yet, and I don't think I will (not that I’m against it) I just haven't prioritized finding a therapist. I really started opening up about my feelings to my mom and my closest friends and that was my therapy. Hearing their stories helped me feel at ease a bit. My thyroid fixed itself around Thea’s first birthday and I have been on lexapro for about 9 months and I’m feeling 99% better! I feel back to myself which is such a relief. I still get those lingering worrying thoughts, but I know how to ground myself and bring myself back to the present. 

Mon

Shortly after giving birth the doctors were quite frequently checking in on me and talking to both me and Joey about postpartum depression. I had three of the postpartum risk factors; premature babies, twins, and a c-section. They told us both the signs to look for and luckily my husband listened closely. I was fully unprepared for the wave of emotions that hit me after giving birth. I felt numb for a few days after but after I started to scale back on the pain meds and switch to mostly Advil I felt extreme waves of sadness. I wrote it off as the baby blues for a while but my husband was worried and the part of me that could feel anything other than sadness was too. I was crying all the time, couldn’t sleep, and was having frequent panic attacks. I had never cried so much in my life. I kept thinking the boys and Joey would be better off without me. The logical side of me knew that was not true but I couldn’t help that thought from continuously running through my head. I wasn't suicidal, I just had these constant negative thoughts running through my head. Luckily, I have an amazing support system and I was able to verbalize all the thoughts and feelings I was having to them. 

I remember walking into the doctor for my first postpartum appointment thinking, okay I'll fill out the PPD survey and get flagged for postpartum depression, and then I’ll get whatever help I need. I filled it out honestly but they didn’t say anything and after checking my scar and asking me a few basic questions they sent me on my way. I probably should have said something about how I was feeling but even though I knew I shouldn't be embarrassed I was. I felt like if they didn’t notice anything on my survey maybe this was just how all women feel, and I just needed to give it more time.  However, my husband knew me and the signs well enough to realize I needed more help. Finally, after a few more weeks of feeling completely awful and depressed, I allowed my husband to help me make an appointment with my general practitioner. Yes, I needed help to do this, the smallest tasks feel monumental when you’re struggling with PPD. Before I could get in to see my doctor she sent me this link, https://perinatalsupport.org/. This was such an amazing resource and helped me to get a therapist and someone super friendly to text about how I was feeling. It was the first time I didn’t feel alone since giving birth.  A few weeks later I was able to see my doctor and started taking progesterone as a first step. With this and therapy I was very slowly able to start feeling better. It was a slow process but I am so glad I got the help I needed and had friends and family to support me through this.