Toddler Tantrums
Navigating Toddlerhood is tough! The moms talk about what tantrums are like at their house and what they do to get through them.
GRACE
My friend once said “toddlers are not for the weak” and boy was she right. Parker is now in her tantrum era and once your child turns into a sour patch kid you wonder how you’ll ever get through it. Parker was probably about 18 months when the real emotions started showing. It was interesting because her tantrums consisted of yelling and crying, getting on all fours and hitting her forehead on the ground, and more recently have evolved to flopping on the ground or turning to liquid when you try to pick her up and laying on the floor. She is also a kicker (not me thinking maybe she’ll be a soccer player like her mom) so diaper changes when she’s in a mood have become dangerous for me lol.
It was hard for me at first but after seeing what the professionals on IG had to say (the real professionals, not the people that just think they are lol) it helped me understand why tantrums happen better. I like @biglittlefeelings, @thefamilybehaviorist, @helpingfamiliesthrive and @transformingtoddlerhood on Instagram. One thing that really stood out to me was remembering they are tiny little babes that haven’t been on the planet very long. That (insert whatever item here) you took away from them was the best/coolest thing that’s ever happened to them and now it’s gone and they are really feeling upset about it. I try to put myself in Parker’s shoes and give her grace. I understand why she’s upset even if it seems totally stupid to an adult. She has taught me patience in so many ways but I definitely have days where it gets to me and I lose my shit. I know at this point she doesn’t understand what I’m saying, but it feels like good practice to be telling her that I understand she’s upset about getting her diaper changed because she was having fun doing what she was doing and this interrupts her fun, but we can’t kick mommy and if she works with me we can get the diaper changed really fast and be all done. Or when she flops I just let her lay there and work it out, I don’t try to pick her up anymore most of the time. I’ve learned that by doing this she gets over stuff pretty quickly and moves on faster on her own. I basically give her acknowledgement saying I’m sorry she’s upset about x,y, or z but I try not to give the tantrum too much attention. I just try to be there for her if she needs me or wants a hug or to be picked up, but I don’t force anything on her or give the actual tantrum itself much attention. She’s only 21 months right now and this strategy might not work forever, but for now it’s what seems to work best for us. I go to my husband or friends to vent or laugh about it and it’s nice because everyone understands and validates you and how hard it is. When kids are this little it’s so hard to do anything about the tantrums. They’re figuring out the world and their emotions and it’s completely normal. They are also really cute too (hence the sour patch kid reference earlier) so while toddlers are a challenge, they are also learning and doing new fun things and making you laugh a lot. It’s definitely hard, but just another thing you have to roll with and just do your best!
MEESH
Oof. This is a hard one for me. Thea started her tantrums around 16-18 months and my first thought was “where did my sweet baby go!?” I knew this wasn't the right mentality but I couldn’t help it. I honestly wasn't ready or prepared on how to deal with tantrums. Thea’s tantrums consist of throwing herself on the ground in the most dramatic fashion (I’m semi here for it) and boy is she persistent. She’s not a toddler who can easily be distracted. Once she knows she wants something she will do everything in her power to get it. A trait I hope she keeps, honestly. But when you’re a first time mom, you know tantrums start around this age, but for me, I wasn't totally sure what toddler behavior was supposed to look like. Half the time, she is fun, goofy and loving and the other times I'm getting pinched and slapped and picking her up off the floor crying. I kept asking myself, and my parent-friends “is this normal? I just don't know!” and thankfully they said “YES- she is a totally normal toddler!”
At around 18 months, Thea started grasping the idea of “mine”. Everything was “Heyyyy” in the snarkiest tone, and pinching and shoving started to occur. This one was extra hard because it started to affect my friends' kids, not just me. But again, my friends kindly reminded me that this is totally normal, which I knew, but always nice to hear. I lean on my friends for a lot of advice and venting because everyone has different experiences. For resources, I follow Dr. Becky Kennedy! She has a great instagram that I highly suggest! She’s a Moms Doing Our Best favorite! What I’ve learned in just my few short months of tantrums are:
It’s hard- there’s no way around it but through it.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a second to close your eyes and take a deep breath. It will help you clear your head and have more patience.
Your baby loves you. They can't express their feelings through words and this is all they know. They need you to talk them through it and show them love and support.
It’s okay to cry. Feel your feelings and find someone to talk to.
Don't feel guilty for having wine after you put them to bed- you’ve earned it :)
MON
Tantrums felt like a slap in the face. Who knows maybe I did actually get slapped in the face. The boy's tantrums started abruptly at 18 months. Before they would get upset but be easily distracted. I remember the first full-on tantrum vividly. It lasted 40 minutes and was because we couldn’t go play outside in the pouring rain at 6 pm. I called my mom in tears worried they might have a behavior disorder. When you’re a teacher you work with a lot of different behavior disorders and my mind went instantly to fear. Then the self-doubt.
Was I a bad parent?
Why didn’t I know how to handle this better?
This must be a reflection of my parenting.
Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for Meesh and Grace, they hadn’t entered this stage yet so I didn’t have my besties to lean on and get advice from. I reached out to another friend who sent me some really great resources from Dr. Becky Kennedy (drbeckyatgoodinside). One of the biggest things I took away from her was a mantra to get me through the storms, “Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this.”
This friend also shared her stories and validated that this is just all part of this parenting gig called motherhood.
Some things we have found that have helped are teaching the boys to take deep breaths, going to their calm-down corner, and narrating their emotions and experiences for them. For me what has helped is knowing my goal is to be there with them and help them to feel their emotions. Not to stop the tantrum or get them to think logically. That being said, just tonight I had to tap out and take my own deep breaths because I needed a break from the screaming. I think tonight’s tantrum was that Nico ate Milo’s leek. I need to start writing these down because later they’re funny. In the moment it’s hard. Really hard. But just know we’re all going through it, and make sure to give a smile to the next mom you see in a grocery store with a screaming toddler.
Things that helped me
In our calm down box
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